


Not Particularly A Good Idea

by Peter164



Series: Alternate Universe [3]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, FTM, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Tattoos, Trans Male Character, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-24 18:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4929988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peter164/pseuds/Peter164
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim wants to take his relationship with Oswald to the next level. His boyfriend is extremely hesitant about the whole ordeal, borderline terrified. And he wants to know why. He promises that whatever Oswald sees wrong is beautiful and not as bad as he thinks, but he isn't prepared for what he finds out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No idea why this idea popped into my head. I normally don't come up with headcanons like this. I'm not quite sure what's up.

Oswald nuzzled his nose into Jim's chest. He was curled into his shoulder on the couch and being the usual, yet unlikely, snuggle-bug that he turned out to be. Jim kissed his cheek lightly and rubbed his arms. Oswald pressed his lips to the taller's mouth. He loved kissing Jim, it had to have been one of his favorite hobbies. 

The policeman picked him up grabbing his thighs like a reverse piggyback ride. Oswald snuggled into his neck. Jim placed him on his bed and straddled his hips. 

"What are you doing?" He prayed and prayed that it wouldn't be sex. He didn't think he could handle that. He had no idea what Jim would say, or do to him if he found out. He could just say no, but he didn't want to disappoint him. Normally there was just more snuggles while they read together or something. 

"What I've wanted to do for such a long time now." He growled in his ear, making him shiver and his insides turn. The worst part about it was that he really really wanted to. He hadn't done anything intimate with anyone for years. Before even Fish. Jim kissed his jaw, his neck, and far as he could reach with Oswald's flannel shirt in the way. Then he licked his way back up. He started working on the first button of his shirt. 

"Uhm, Jim." He stuttered, "Maybe this isn't that great of an idea."

"Shut up. You'll be begging for it soon enough." He pressed kisses along his collarbone. He wasn't really paying attention to he little squirms of discomfort. 

"Listen. I don't believe this is a particularly good idea." He didn't want him to know about it yet. He wanted to learn more about how he would react. 

"What? Are you self-conscious?" He jokingly asked, biting his ear eagerly. 

"You could sat that." He scrambled to cover his body, which was quickly being exposed to the world. 

"Don't worry. Whatever's wrong, I promise will just make you even more of a precious, special snowflake." He was starting to get into it. It made him feel bad that he had to stop it. He wanted to say something, but Jim had already gotten to the white fabric wrapped around his chest. He immediately stopped as a look of confusion passed over his face. Why would his boyfriend need to wrap his chest up?

"Ozzy, what's this?" He asked. Feeling down the front and sides, making him only squirm more. 

"Nothing." He tried shrugging it off, and he knew he failed. 

"No. It's something." Jim sat back on his heels. 

"It's a chest binder." He fidgeted with the collar of his shirt. 

"Why do you need a chest binder?" He was cautious with his words. Oswald looked like he would break at the slightest touch. 

"Because I'm not actually a boy." He sounded ashamed. He shrunk into himself, like he was hiding. 

"I don't think I-"

"I'm transgender." He blurted out, "I'm biologically female. I'm too scared to get any kind of surgery. So I still have all my little lady parts."

"So this is to hide boobs?" He ran his hand down the side of the binder. Oswald nodded, on the brink of tears. 

"Because I'm a dirty little tranny and I don't want anyone to know." He wiped his long pointy nose off. 

"Don't call yourself that." Jim scolded. He pressed a kiss onto his cheek. 

"But it's true." He pouted. He wanted to just push him off and curl up in a ball and die. 

"Do you want to snuggle and talk about it?" Jim buttoned Oswald's shirt back up and held his arms out, which were readily filled with a thin, lanky body, "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Because I was scared." He whispered into his boyfriend's chest. 

"Why?" He combed his fingers through his hair. He didn't like secrets. 

"Because people don't like me. And you're too perfect to be true." He curled into his arms. 

"What about your mom? She adores you." Jim put his head on the pillow and pulled Oswald down with him.

"She's my mom." He countered, "Whenever I'm gone for a few days she swears that some woman had taken me away. I honestly don't think she understands the concept of homosexuality."

"She'll get around to it." He held his hand and ran his thumb over his fingers, "You haven't told her you have a boyfriend yet, have you?" 

"No." He shook his head, "I don't know how much she'd like the fact that I'm dating a policeman. She thinks you're all liars."

"Lets invite her over for dinner." He suggested, "I'd like to meet her."

"You're sure?" He seemed a bit skeptical that this would work. He loved his mom very much, but when she believed something, it was very hard to change her mind. 

"Why not?" He shrugged, "It'll be fun. And you can bring some of your things over if you want."

"Shouldnt we talk about moving in together before we actually do?" He asked. 

"Not necessarily moving in. But you can have things here so you can just show up without any issues." He suggested. He really wanted Oswald to feel comfortable here.

"Okay." He wrapped his arms around Jim's shoulders.

"So." Jim adjusted his weight, "You want to tell me about your adventures?" 

"Well, I told mom when I was 15 and started hormones when I was 18. That's as far as I've managed to get. We needed money and that's why I went to work for Mooney." He explained, "At that point I was so busy I couldn't really continue anything, along with being terrified of getting surgery. Honestly I haven't even changed my name."

"Why'd you pick Oswald anyway?" Jim asked, "You could've picked any name in the world, and you picked Oswald. It's a nice name, but why that one?" 

"I let my mom pick. She made up a list of names she liked for me, then Oswald jut stuck. She picked my girl name, it only made sense for her to pick my boy name too." It had gotten to the point that he couldn't imagine being called much of anything else, "By the way, it's Susanna."

"What?"

"My 'real' name." He told him, "It's Susanna. I thought you'd like to know."

"It hadn't even occurred to me."

"Even still. I'd like you to know." He smiled a little and nuzzle into his side. 

"Can I ask you something?" Jim squeezed his arm to assure him it wasn't anything awful. 

"Well I did just tell you my biggest secret I've ever had." He rolled on top of his boyfriend, who wrapped him up and pulled him closer to his chest. 

"True." He giggled, "Why did you hate being called penguin so much?" 

"When I was little. I, obviously, thought I was a girl. Because I looked like a girl, everyone called me a girl, so I acted like a girl. I played with dolls, I wore dresses, I wanted to be a princess for Halloween. My favorite animal was a penguin." He rested his head on Jim's chest. Every time they curled up together, he fell in love all over again, "Mom would call me her penguin princess. I wanted to have pink penguins everywhere. I didn't stop loving them until I started feeling dysphoric. But by then I had other things to worry about. Like how I wouldn't let mom know that I punched a mirror and cut my knuckles open."

"Why exactly did you punch the mirror." He asked, rubbing his back. 

"Because looking at myself made me angry. Eventually my brain started associating penguin with girl, don't ask me why, and it brought back a lot of the dysphoria." He buried his face in Jim's shirt. 

"Do you still get it sometimes?" He asked, moving his hand up to his hair again. 

"Almost always." He whispered, "The hormones and the binding help, but the don't eliminate."

"I'm sorry." He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, "I wish I could make it stop."

"Once I get surgery, I think I'll be better." He smiled a little, "At the very least, I want my stupid boobs gone forever." He shrugged his shoulders up, as if to make his already flat chest even flatter. He turned his head to look out the very large window, the sun had set long ago. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand, almost midnight. How was Jim not asleep? He was still recovering from 3 late shifts and an all-nighter. He should be sleeping like a baby. 

"Jim." He nuzzled his nose into his cheek to get his attention. 

"Hm?" He was definitely starting to fall asleep. 

"It's getting kind of late." He whispered, "We should get to bed."

"Mhm." He hugged Oswald and rolled back over to his side, taking his boyfriend with him. 

"Good night." He snuggled under his chin. Jim let go of his waist only long enough to grab his cheeks and tilt his head up for a kiss. 

"Invite her over for dinner." He told him.

"Okay" He kissed his back and went back to his snuggle spot under his chin before falling asleep. He felt safe and secure with him. He felt free from judgement. Loved. And he wanted to show his mother that not all the GCPD were evil liars. There was some light in the otherwise dark world.

And his name was James Gordon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add another chapter I'm not positive. If so, it'll be post-surgery (down under).
> 
> Also, I think Gertrude is Dutch. Gertrude and Oswald are both Dutch names. Her accent sounds pretty Dutch. I couldn't find anywhere to say she wasn't. So if she isn't Dutch, then she's going to be Dutch for this fic.

Oswald now had a few things at Jim's house. It was a work in process, but he it was coming along. He was helping his boyfriend cook dinner for his mom. They were keeping it simple, meat, potatoes, and vegetables. 

Jim was peeling the potatoes while Oswald worked on the vegetables. The shorter of the two couldn't help but notice how domestic it was, and he'd be lying if he said the still female part of him was squealing and jumping around and screaming about wedding cakes and white gowns. 

That obviously wasn't happening, any member of law enforcement wouldn't be caught dead _dating_ a criminal. Forget about marriage. They'd have to uproot their entire life and move away where no one had heard of the dreaded penguin, and that's only to be able to go public with their relationship. He couldn't force Jim to do that, so he tightened the lid on his girlish fantasies. 

Jim was just about to start cutting up the potatoes when the doorbell rang. 

"Can you do this while I go get the door?" He asked. Oswald nodded and started to work. Jim wiped his hands on a towel while he walked, "Hello Ms. Kapelput."

"Is my boy here?" She asked. 

"Yes. He's in the kitchen. Come in." He opened the door wider for her to enter and showed her to the kitchen. 

"Thank you." Her accent was so thick. He knew she immigrated, but not much else. He wondered how Oswald managed to talk without any accent whatsoever (unless he got upset enough to revert back to Dutch). She followed him into the kitchen.

"Hi mom." Oswald smiled and handed the knife back To Jim, "Apologies, dinner will be kind of late today." She sat at the kitchen table. 

~*~

They all sat at the round dining table and ate. 

"Sweetie." She set her fork down to talk, "You told me you wanted to talk to me."

"Yes I did." He could feel Jim squeeze his knee under the table for support, "Uhm, I have a boyfriend."

"You're not gay." She smiled, "You've been running off with hookers, how can you be gay?" 

"I haven't been running off with anyone but Jim actually." He corrected. 

"Less running off." Jim said, "More just, coming over and wanted to snuggle on the couch." 

"I've been doing that." He smiled a little and continued eating. 

"Have you been having the sex?" She asked, almost offended. 

"No!" They both said at the same time. 

"Oswald doesn't want to. He's shy about certain parts of his body." He explained, "And yet he still wears these shorts." He gestured to the almost ridiculously short shorts that Oswald decided to wear. 

"It's hot." He defended himself. 

"I can almost see your bare ass." He said. 

"Shut up. My mom is sitting right in front of you." He scolded. 

"It's true." He surrendered. In actuality, Oswald loved showing off his legs, and wore things like that all the time. And Jim lived for it. 

"Is there anything else you want to tell me?" She asked. She sounded like she couldn't believe that her baby boy could keep secrets from her. 

"I'm signed up for chest reconstruction." He couldn't help but smile. The thought of never having to put on his stupid binder again made him want to jump for joy. 

"Congratulations." She beamed at him, "Soon you won't need to wear those awful things anymore." 

"Yeah." He nodded. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Jim asked. That's when Oswald noticed how hard it was to breathe. He'd felt awful this morning, and as a result wore a binder that he'd outgrown when he graduated college, but still kept around. 

"I'm fine." He shrugged it off, but started breathing deeper. 

"Maybe you should go change." He suggested. Oswald shook his head. 

"I'm okay."

"The more you say that, the more worried I get." He told him, "Now please go change. You'll pass out otherwise."

"No its fine-"

"Do I have to yell at you?" He interupted his boyfriend, who stood up and almost immediately collapsed, "Did I not tell you?" He picked him up bridal style and carried Jim to his room, "Sorry, we'll only be a moment." He told Oswald's mom. 

"I'm really okay." He tried to stand up again, but Jim kept him close to his chest. He set him gently on the bed and started unbuttoned his shirt, "I can do it myself."

"Well I'm doing it today." He pulled off the flannel shirt and looked at how red the skin around the edges of his binder was. He unzipped the front and pulled it off. He couldn't help but stare at the blisters forming around his shoulders, "Jesus Christ, Oswald, what have you been doing to yourself?" 

"I don't want them anymore." He shook his head at his chest, "They disgust me."

"No more binder today." He commanded, "Now I'm going to go put this is the laundry and clean it when your mom leaves. Okay?" 

"Okay." He held out his arms for a hug, which was happily accepted, but quickly broken. The whole ordeal was sorted out fairly quickly and Oswald had changed into a dark t-shirt. 

"Apologies. He doesn't listen to me very well." Jim glanced over to his boyfriend. 

"If you crack the secret, then let me know." She smiled and the two laughed. They finished eating and moved to the couch. Oswald got up to take his testosterone and change into pajamas, "He was so pretty as a little girl."

"I can imagine it." He nodded.

"His nose grew since then. I think it's his medicine." She nodded and pulled a photo out of her pocket. A girl around 14 with long hair and bright blue eyes, she had on a black sundress, "This is Susanna when she started high school."

"She was lovely." He recognized the pointy chin and long, not as long, but still long, pointed nose. 

"She hated pictures. Oswald is much better about them." She told him as she slipped the picture back in her pocket, "You'll be good for my son. I can feel it in my bones. His father left us when he found out about him."

"Im sorry to hear that." He comforted her. 

"I'm fine. It happened when I was already old and frail-"

"You haven't hit that mark even now." He intejected.

"Oh, thank you, dear. But Oswald was still little and didn't know what was happening in his tiny world." She shook her head, "He needs someone that loves him."

"Then that would be me." He assured her, "I've been engaged before, that obviously didn't work out, but I love him more than I loved her."

"Yes, you'll be good for my baby boy." She nodded. Oswald walked back in the room and placed himself on Jim's lap. He had an ice cream sandwich that he was eating. 

"Where'd you get that?" Jim asked. 

"The freezer."

"I looked in there right before your mom came. We don't have ice cream sandwiches." He sounded offended. 

"You forget what I do for a living." He curled up in his lap. 

"That still isn't fair." He instinctively wrapped his arms around Oswald's waist. He could see the cloth of his shirt tenting just the tiniest bit. He didn't really care if he had seen him topless or not, it was still weird to look at. 

"You're not a very good detective." He stuck his tongue out. Jim kissed the back if his neck, making him relax into his arms, and took the sweet out of his hand and popped the last bite into his mouth. 

"I win." He smirked. 

"That was cheating." Oswald pouted. 

"So is hiding them." He snuggled back into his place. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Gertrude with a warm smile on her face. He felt a wave of satisfaction roll through him. She liked him. 

~*~

Oswald was curled in the corner of the couch while Jim was in the laundry room. He was washing his binder. He'd done it a couple times before, after he'd been shown what to do and how to do it. 

"It's drying." He sat next to his boyfriend, who quickly climbed on his lap again, "What were you reading?" He glanced at the book that was sitting on the coffee table. 

"The Murders in the Rue Morgue." He replied, "It's a collection of stories by Edgar Allan Poe. I just started Black Cat."

"You should read to me." Jim smiled and leaned back, "I feel like you'd be good at reading aloud."

"Oh. Okay." He grabbed the book and opened it up. He told the story beautifully. The cat that drove him insane, the night of the fire, the second cat that made him kill his wife, the inspectors, the tomb. The whole ordeal went from disturbing, to scary, to downright terrifying, to hilarious in 10 pages. 

"That was interesting." Jim held onto his waist just a little bit tighter, "Promise you won't murder me and bury me with a cat?" 

"I promise." He pecked his lips. And then everything clicked. After dating for a year and a half, constant doubt in himself and the relationship, fearing a practical joke, he finally figured it out. He belonged with Jim. Nowhere else. He was meant to be with him. They had figured each other out, they knew who they were and didn't try to bend to the other's expectations. Oswald felt at peace with him. 

And all that came from a story about murder, and a peck on the lips. For a man making a living off of murder and betrayal, he made a promise not to kill him. A promise he intended to keep at all costs. And he'd never even voiced how much he cared for him. 

"Jim," He looked up, "I love you." 

The policeman held his cheeks and pressed their lips together, "I love you too, Ozzy. I wish we could get married."

"Me too." He recalled his conversation with himself earlier that day. Finally, he felt like it was okay to be a girl again. He fell into a world of bouquets and dancing to cheesy songs. 

"What if we had kids?" He rested his chin on his shoulder, "How many do you want?" 

"There's a part of me that wants like two, and another part that wants 7,000." He answered, making Jim giggle. 

"What about three or four?" He suggested. Oswald felt like he had died and gone to heaven. They were talking about raising a family together, as in, as a couple. 

"How many boys?" He asked, smiling. 

"Two of each?" Jim pressed kisses to his neck. 

"Sounds perfect." 

"What would we name them?" He rubbed circles into Oswald's belly.

"I like David." He felt furiously at home, "Anthony, maybe Peter."

"Ben, Robin." James suggested. Oswald couldn't help but chuckle at him, "What?" 

"It's just that it just in front of all hit me at once. All of a sudden, we're talking about kids, and getting married." He laughed, "I can't believe you'd trust me with anyone's child, much less your own."

"Why? You don't kill anyone unless there's a reason to, or they get in the way. When you aren't at work, you're really sweet and gentle. I'd be happy to have you be a part of my family, if we move away and you promise that you won't get caught up in crime again." He kissed his cheek and ran fingers through his dark hair. 

"But I'm not even a real guy. I can't be a father." He could feel his throat clenching up. 

"Who told you that?"

"What?" He looked up, questioning. 

"Who told you that you weren't really a boy?" Jim held tighter to his waist, pulling him in protectively. 

"My dad." He buried his head into his shoulder. He had tried so hard to forget the fights they'd had, sometimes lasting hours, sometimes going so long that he'd be too exhausted to go to school the next day. 

"Well fuck him." He scoffed, "You'll make a great daddy. And we still have a very important decision to make."

"What would that be?" Oswald spoke into his shirt.

"We never talked about girl names." He rested his head on top of Oswald's, "I was thinking along the lines of Taylor or Mckenzie."

"Emma, Esther, Lillian." He listed off, "We can talk about it when we _can_ have kids." 

"And you want to know one good think about your situation?" He cradled him, "We can have babies that are biologically ours. We don't have to fake it."

"But the hormones mess with fertility. We'd have to talk to a hormonal doctor, then we have to decide if we want a surrogate mom or if we want me to carry the baby, and then if we choose a surrogate then there's all the legal stuff and-"

Jim kissed him to shut him up, "We can worry later. For now let's figure out how to keep you healthy until we can figure it out." 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how do we stop you from giving yourself these," He ran his fingers lightly over the blisters under his shirt, "every time you feel a little bit off?" 

"What if I got a tattoo?" He asked. 

"Why?" 

"Well I got one when I started my hormones. It helps more than you think." He shrugged. 

"You have a tattoo?" His jaw dropped. 

"On my lower back, left side." He chuckled a little, "It's the transgender symbol. Nothing super fancy."

"Oh my God!" He pushed Oswald off just a little. He pulled up the back of his shirt just enough to see the little circle with three prongs, "How have I not noticed this before."

"I don't walk around shirtless and that's the only way you'd be able to see it." He smiled and pulled his shirt back down. He put his head back on Jim's chest, "And when I stopped working for Maroni I got another one that says penguin at the top of my thigh." 

"Why am I just know learning about this?" He was offended that Oswald would keep as vital information from him as tattoos. 

"It's not really something I show off. I think I'll get something more visible next though." He snuggled into him, "Maybe an umbrella on my forearm."

"That's a bold move. Any particular reason you want an umbrella?" 

"Because my mom told me to use an umbrella when kids would pick on me at school. Also the reason why I picked it as the logo for my club." He said, "That's what I'll do. You should come with. It hurts less when someone's with you." 

"Maybe I'll get a tattoo?" He asked jokingly. 

"You'd have to figure out what to get." He smiled and closed his eyes. It was late and he was tired, "Let's do that tomorrow. And maybe we can look for a fertility clinics that will take out case."

"Okay." He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, "I love you."

"I love you too." Oswald was close to sleep already. Jim picked him up and carried him to their bed. Together they curled up under the covers and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer than expected. Should I add more to this? I'm starting to have fun, let me know what you think. My thoughts are  
> -Tattoo  
> -Surgery (haven't decided top or bottom yet)  
> -Then maybe Epilogue?
> 
> Sound good guys? 
> 
> Also, I just want to thank everyone for the feedback on this. I love reading the comments on a story I didn't even know I was writing really.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm willing to add an extra chapter or two if you guys want. Maybe family dinner and/or surgery? I don't know. If this gets popular enough, I'll add to it. I


End file.
